I stared at the message longer than I meant to. A small part of me wanted to know everything, even the details that would hurt. Another part recognized that curiosity could become a way of staying attached to a life I had decided to leave. I set the phone down and finished the page of my course I had been reading.
Mark did not push. When we met that Saturday, we watched the game, argued over a questionable call, and ordered wings. He did not mention Sarah until I asked whether he had heard anything reliable or just rumors. He told me it was mostly rumors and said he did not want to drag me back into her situation. I thanked him for that.
"You know what's weird?" I said after a while. "I keep expecting to feel triumphant if things go badly for them. But most days I just don't want to know."
Mark looked at me over his soda. "Maybe that's a good sign."
"Or maybe I'm avoiding it."
"You can avoid gossip without avoiding your feelings," he said. "Those aren't the same thing."
I thought about that on the drive home. I had spent the first weeks of the breakup imagining myself becoming completely indifferent, as if healing were a switch that could be flipped from love to nothing. In reality, the process looked more like losing interest in the same question a little at a time. I was starting to have full afternoons when I did not think about Sarah at all.
The first time I saw Sarah after the breakup was at a birthday gathering for our mutual friend Jenna. I almost did not go because I knew Sarah might be there, but Jenna had been my friend long before she knew Sarah, and I did not want my world to keep shrinking around a decision I had not made. Mark offered to come with me. I told him I could manage, and he said he would be there anyway because free cake was a compelling argument.
The party was held at a restaurant with a private upstairs room and a view of the river. I arrived a little late, carrying a small gift and hoping to avoid the awkward first hour when everybody stood around introducing people who had already met. Jenna hugged me, said she was glad I came, and quietly told me Sarah was there. Her eyes searched mine for a reaction. I said I had expected that and asked where I could put the gift.
For a while, everything was fine. I talked with old classmates, heard about new jobs and moves, and ate food that was better than I had expected from a birthday buffet. Then I saw Sarah across the room. She wore a dark green dress I remembered helping her choose, and her hair was styled more elaborately than usual. Her hand rested on the arm of a man standing beside her, and I knew without being introduced that he was Liam.