I left enough in the joint account to cover rent, groceries, utilities, Lola's expenses, and scheduled bills.
I downloaded statements.
Recorded balances.
I removed myself as an authorized user from one of Clara's individual credit cards and froze new spending on one joint revolving account only after confirming with the issuer what each of us remained responsible for.
Nothing punitive.
Nothing hidden.
Nothing designed to frighten her.
I was drawing lines where everything had become blurred.
Clara came to Theo's house the following afternoon.
I saw her through the front window.
She looked exhausted.
Theo asked:
"Want me to answer?"
"No."
I stepped outside and closed the door behind me.
Clara stood on the walkway.
"Elliot."
"Why are you here?"
"I need to talk to you."
"I told you I wasn't ready."
"I know."
"Then why are you here?"
She looked down.
"Because I'm scared."
I almost said, So am I.
Instead:
"I understand."
"No, you don't."
"You've become unreachable."
That word bothered me.
"I'm responding about Lola."
"I'm not disappearing."
"I'm asking for space."
"That's different."
She searched my face.
"I canceled the date."
"I know."
"I never went."
"I read your message."
"Nothing happened."
"Clara."
"I need you to believe me."
"I do."
She blinked.
That was not the answer she expected.
"I believe you canceled."
"I believe you didn't sleep with him."
"That isn't the whole problem."
"Then tell me what is."
I looked at her.
"You wanted to go."
Her eyes filled.
"I was angry."
"At me?"
"At everything."
"That doesn't explain why Logan became the answer."
She wrapped her arms around herself.
"He listened."
The sentence was simple.
And devastating.
"He asked me things."
"He remembered details."
"He noticed when I changed my hair."
"He asked how presentations went."
"He made me feel..."
She stopped.
"What?"
"Seen."
I looked away.
That word entered the part of the accusation I could not dismiss.
I had failed at that.
Not intentionally.
Still failed.
But another question remained.
"Did you tell him you loved me?"
Clara hesitated.
"Did you?"
"Sometimes."
"Sometimes."
"I didn't know what I felt."
I nodded.
"Then I don't know what I'm supposed to save right now."
"Us."
"You were leaving to explore whether there was an us with somebody else."
She began crying.
"I made a mistake."
"Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"Clara, a mistake is sending the wrong email."
"Taking a wrong exit."
"Leaving a wallet somewhere."
"This took months."
She wiped her face.
"What do you want me to do?"
"Go home."
She flinched.
"That sounded terrible."
"I mean go back to the apartment."
"Be with Lola."
"I'll pick her up tomorrow."
"We'll make a schedule."