I exhaled through my nose the way I do right before reading someone their Miranda rights. "Karen, this is illegal." "No," she corrected, tapping her clipboard. "This is proactive neighborhood safety enforcement." "You immobilized a law enforcement vehicle." Her eyes narrowed. "A vehicle used to intimidate residents. Frankly, you should thank me for committing a crime. For holding you accountable." I laughed, not because any of this was funny, but because I had two options. Lose my mind or enjoy the show. And at this point, the show had gone off the rails. "Karen, I said, "Remove the clamp." She recoiled. "Absolutely not. You will pay the release fee just like everyone else. No one else has ever had a boot on their car because no one else has ever been this non-compliant." Her voice cracked at the end like she was seconds away from throwing herself dramatically onto the ground and demanding a Netflix documentary about her struggles.
Karen, I tried again. "You cannot impound someone's vehicle, especially not off HOA property," she smirked. "We'll see what the board says." I stared blankly. "The board?" "Yes," she said proudly. "They authorized this?" "They did?" "Yes," she insisted. At that moment, my neighbor Jill peeked out from behind her curtain and made eye contact with me. She shook her head violently. "No, absolutely not. The board did not approve this," caught in her lie. Karen pivoted instantly. "Well, they didn't oppose it. That's not the same thing." "It is in spirit," she declared. Ah, yes. The HOA spirit where reality went to die. I pulled out my phone. Karen stiffened but tried to hold her ground. I snapped photos of the clamp, her, the driveway, everything. She scoffed. "Oh, please. You think pictures will scare me." "No," I said calmly. "But they will help the police."
Her lips parted in horror. "Police, you wouldn't dare." "Oh, I dare." I dialed dispatch not 911, just non-emergency, and requested a deputy respond for unlawful immobilization of a vehicle. Since I was off duty and involved personally, I couldn't handle it myself. "Policy is policy," Karen panicked. "You're weaponizing law enforcement. This is harassment." I pointed to the clamp. "You immobilized a government asset." Before she could argue, a familiar patrol cruiser rolled into view. Deputy Hernandez stepped out, took one look at the clamp, then turned to me with an expression that said, "Not again." "Morning, Sheriff," he said under his breath. "Karen, Karen," I confirmed.
"Karen threw her hands up. "Finally, someone reasonable." "Officer, arrest him for refusing to follow HOA impoundment protocol." Hernandez stared at her for a long moment. "Ma'am, there is no HOA impoundment protocol. There should be," she shouted. "That's not how laws work," he replied. She jabbed her pen toward the clamp. "This vehicle is out of compliance. I tried the master key." "Stop," I said, raising a finger. "Do not confess to more crimes." Hernandez sighed and pulled out his pad. "Ma'am, did you place this device on the sheriff's truck?" "I issued a lawful community corrective action." "Did you buy this online?" "Yes," she said proudly. "It's heavy duty and comes in different colors."