I called the police non-emergency line and an officer arrived a bit later. He looked at the truck, looked at my driveway, and agreed it was illegally parked. He wrote out a parking ticket and tucked it under the windshield wiper. I asked if he could have it towed, and the officer explained that because it was just a minor parking infraction and not a hazard to moving traffic, city policy was to issue a citation first. He said I could hire a private tow company, but as I just learned the local companies would not even touch it. The HOA president came out of the community center later that afternoon and I watched from my window. He saw the ticket on his windshield, snatched it off, crumpled it up, and threw it into the bed of his truck. He looked at my house, shook his head, and then drove away.
I realized then that playing by standard rules was not going to work. He had the local tow companies in his pocket, he didn’t care about municipal parking tickets, and he was actively abusing his HOA power to steal my money through bogus fines. So I needed a better plan. I spent the next few days doing some intense research. I went down to the county clerk’s office and pulled the official zoning maps and property lines for our subdivision. I also read through the entire municipal code book regarding street parking, right-of-ways, and vehicle registration. I discovered a few very interesting facts. First of all, the streets in our subdivision were absolutely not private HOA property. They had been deeded to the city years ago, and the HOA had zero legal authority over the asphalt itself. Second, the city ordinance stated that any vehicle with a valid registration and current insurance could park on a public street indefinitely as long as it was not blocking a driveway, a fire hydrant, or a crosswalk. An idea started to form in my head, a beautiful, completely legal idea.
My wife and I had been planning a trip to visit her family overseas, and we’d been saving up for it for two years. The trip was scheduled to last for exactly 21 days. We were set to leave in just over a month, and I decided it was time to make an investment. I started browsing online marketplaces for the cheapest, ugliest, and most undesirable cars I could possibly find. I did not care about mileage. I didn’t care about the interior, and I suddenly didn’t care about the paint or the exterior. I only cared about two things. The cars had to have a clean title, and they had to be capable of starting up and driving a few miles. It took me a couple of weeks, but I found my two champions. The first was a heavily rusted-out bright teal minivan from the late ’90s. The sliding door was permanently stuck shut, the back window was covered in duct tape, and it smelled strongly of mildew. I bought it from a guy in a fast-food parking lot for $600 cash. The second was a massive sedan from the ’80s. It was a faded yellow color with a vinyl roof that was peeling off in chunks. The muffler was half rusted away, making it sound like a tractor. That one cost me $500.
I took the titles down to the Department of Motor Vehicles and stood in line for three hours, paid the registration fees, and got standard license plates for both vehicles. I then called my insurance provider and put the absolute cheapest bare-minimum liability on both cars. They were now 100% street legal. I drove the minivan home and parked it on the street a few blocks away from my house. Then I took an Uber back to the seller, picked up the yellow sedan, and parked it near the minivan. I waited. The night before my wife and I were scheduled to fly out for our three-week vacation, the HOA board hosted their annual summer planning committee meeting at the community center. It was a Friday evening, and just as I expected the HOA president pulled onto our street in his massive white truck. He ignored the empty spaces down the block, drove right up to my property, and parked directly across the end of my driveway. He hopped out and swaggered into the community center, and I watched him go inside.