“You can’t do that,” Frank was panicking now. “If that loan defaults, they’ll come after my assets. My credit will be ruined.”
“What assets?” I asked innocently. “Your house is gone. Your savings account was frozen this morning pending the divorce proceedings. And your credit cards... well, let’s just say they’re about to be very disappointed when they try to collect on those balances.”
This was the revelation I’d been saving for the perfect moment. Frank thought he’d been clever, hiding assets and building up debt in accounts I didn’t know about. But I’d known about every secret credit card, every hidden expense, every dollar he’d spent on Amber’s designer bags and weekend getaways. I’d just been waiting for the right time to use that information.
“How did you...” Frank started to ask, then stopped.
“How did I know about your secret accounts? About the money you’ve been spending on your girlfriend? About the debts you’ve been hiding?” I shrugged. “Frank, I handled our finances for 28 years. Did you really think I wouldn’t notice when you started acting like a teenager with a stolen credit card?”
Amber was looking between Frank and me with growing alarm.
“Frank, what is she talking about? What money? What debts?”
“It’s nothing, baby. Just some misunderstandings.”
“$43,000 in credit card debt,” I announced cheerfully. “All in Frank’s name, of course. Amazing how quickly expenses add up when you’re trying to impress a young woman. Jewelry, vacations, that adorable pink Jeep.”
“You bought me that Jeep for my birthday.” Amber whirled to face Frank. “You said it was paid for.”
“It is paid for,” Frank insisted. “I mean, it will be. The payments are totally manageable.”
“$647 a month,” I added helpfully. “Plus insurance for a 24-year-old driver in a high-risk vehicle category. That’s another $300 a month.”
Amber was doing math in her head, and judging by her expression, the numbers weren’t working out the way she’d hoped.
“Frank,” she said slowly. “You told me you were wealthy. You said money wasn’t a problem.”
“It’s not a problem. Patricia’s just being vindictive. Once the divorce is final, I’ll get half of everything.”
“And half of what?” I interrupted. “Frank, sweetie, there is no everything to split. There’s just debt. Mountains of it. All in your name.”
And that’s when I saw it. The exact moment when Amber realized she’d quit her job, given up her apartment, and attached herself to a man who was not only still married, but also completely broke. The exact moment when she understood that she’d traded her independence for a fantasy that was never going to come true. It was beautiful.
“Wait, wait, wait.” Amber was waving her hands around like she was trying to clear smoke. “Frank, you told me you owned a successful company. You said you were planning to retire in five years.”
“I do own a company,” Frank protested, but his voice lacked its usual confidence. “Williams Construction has been profitable for 15 years.”
“Williams Construction.” I laughed out loud for the first time all day. “Oh, honey, that’s precious. Tell her about Williams Construction, Frank. Tell her who actually owns it.”
Frank’s silence was answer enough, but I was enjoying myself too much to stop now.
“You see, Amber, Frank likes to tell people he owns a construction company. What he doesn’t mention is that Williams Construction is owned entirely by me. Frank is an employee. A well-paid employee, I’ll grant you, but still just an employee.”
“That’s not... That’s impossible.” Frank was sputtering.
“Is it? Should I call Tom Bradley and ask him who signs his paycheck?”
Tom was Frank’s foreman, a good man who’d been running the actual operations for years while Frank played golf and told people he was a business owner.
“Or maybe we should ask the IRS. Since I’ve been filing the business taxes for 15 years.”
This was my favorite part of the whole plan. Frank had spent so many years taking credit for my work, for my money, for my decisions that he’d actually started believing his own lies. He really thought he owned the company, even though every legal document clearly showed my name as sole proprietor.
“But I built that company,” Frank shouted. “I worked 60 hours a week for years.”
“You worked for me,” I corrected. “And you were paid very well for your work. But owning a business, that requires paperwork, Frank. Legal paperwork. The kind I handle because you hate boring stuff like contracts and tax forms.”
Sophie was recording again, but this time she looked confused rather than excited.
“Mom, are you saying Dad doesn’t actually own anything?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. Your father has been living off my money in my house, working for my company, and spending my credit for years. The only things he actually owns are his golf clubs and that ridiculous Tommy Bahama shirt collection.”
“She’s lying.” Frank turned to Jake desperately. “Son, you know I’m successful. You’ve seen the company trucks, the job sites.”
“I’ve seen Mom’s company trucks,” Jake said slowly, and I could almost see the pieces clicking into place in his head. “Mom’s the one who taught me about business licenses and tax law. Mom’s the one who showed me how to read financial statements.”
Poor Jake. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but at least he was starting to understand the situation.
“This is insane,” Amber declared. “I’m calling my mother. I’m going home.”
“That might be a problem,” Frank said quietly.
“What do you mean? You said I gave up my apartment because you said we were getting married. Because you said we’d live in your beautiful house.”
Amber was getting hysterical now, her voice climbing toward a frequency that probably annoyed dogs three blocks away.
“We can figure this out,” Frank insisted, but even he didn’t sound convinced anymore.
“Figure what out?” I asked pleasantly. “Frank, you have no house, no money, no assets, and a mountain of debt. Amber has no job, no apartment, and apparently no legal relationship with you despite what she thought was a wedding. Jake has a failed business and a loan he can’t pay back. Sophie has... well, actually, Sophie has her influencer career, so she’s probably fine.”
“Thanks, Mom,” Sophie muttered.
“You’re welcome, sweetheart.”
I looked around the group, all of them staring at me like I was some kind of alien life form.
“This has been fun, but I have an appointment with my lawyer in an hour. We’re finalizing the divorce papers and discussing the restraining order.”
“Restraining order?” Frank’s voice cracked.