I remember thinking I had overreacted. That thought kept me in the relationship longer than the insults did. The next weekend, Jared invited her to a creator retreat two hours away. Sarah told me about it as if attendance had already been decided.
"It's just Saturday and Sunday."
"Who is going?"
"People. Creators. Founders."
"Jared?"
"Obviously. He's organizing part of it."
"Are partners invited?"
"It isn't that kind of thing."
"What kind of thing excludes partners?"
Sarah dropped a makeup brush onto the bathroom counter.
"The kind where I don't want to spend the entire weekend worrying that you're silently judging everyone."
"I haven't met most of them."
"You judge people before you meet them."
I almost laughed at the irony but did not.
"I don't like Jared. That's not the same thing."
"Because he challenges you."
"No. Because every sentence he says sounds borrowed from someone selling a course."
She turned toward me.
"See? That. That right there. You always have to make people smaller so you can feel smarter."
I stopped. That accusation hurt because it was close enough to a real flaw that I could not dismiss it. I could be sarcastic when I thought someone was performing expertise. I could make a person feel foolish without raising my voice. I had done it to colleagues before and apologized afterward.
"Maybe I do that sometimes," I said. "But this isn't about his vocabulary. It's about boundaries."
"You don't trust me."
"Do you want an honest answer?"
She stared.
"I trust you less than I did six months ago."
The room went very still. Sarah's face changed from anger to injury.
"Wow."
"You're spending more time with another man than with me. You compare me to him. You take trips where I'm specifically excluded. You come home at one in the morning and call it networking. If the situation were reversed, you would not be comfortable either."
"I can't believe you just said that."
"Which part?"
She walked out of the bathroom. The retreat happened anyway. Sarah returned Sunday night after midnight, smelling like hotel shampoo and expensive perfume that was not hers. She kissed my cheek instead of my mouth and went straight to the shower. I lay awake beside her for an hour, listening to her breathing, wondering when suspicion becomes knowledge.